Monday, July 11, 2011

Weirdest Chick Ever

Weirdest Chick Ever
Author Unknown

Jack, Bill and Eddie had been drinking for the better part of three hours. Eddie's living room had taken on the blurry, smoke filled visage of a dive pool hall on 42nd Street. Cards were their initial plan, Black Jack to be precise, but the dirty jokes and raucous conversation had won out around 11:00 PM or so. Soon the cards were laying forgotten amidst particles of corn chips, pulverized nuts and mini-pools of beer on the make-shift card table. Bill lit another cigarette still laughing from Jack's last joke ... something about a one-eyed leper and a gay insurance salesman.

"OK, guys, so who was the weirdest chick you've ever gone out with?"

"That'd have to be your Mom, bwana," Eddie announced with his trademark braying laugh that sounded like a cross between a rabid monkey and a donkey with laryngitis. A spray of beer erupted from Jack's nose and mouth as he joined Eddie with his own deep belly laugh interspersed with a few hacks and coughs as he tried to clear the beer from his lungs.

"Hardy Har, dipshit," Bill retorted, "I'm serious, who's the weirdest chick you've gone out with. I mean weird in bed ... not that she liked Aba or something."

Eddie was trying hard to stifle his giggles, but Jack seemed to sober up momentarily.

"Sara Parks," Jack finally said with confidence.

Eddie was still trying his best to get his laughter under control, but he still managed to bleat out "who?" in between his snorts and whistles.

"Sara Parks," Jack repeated.

"Never heard of her," Bill said sounding intrigued.

"You wouldn't ... it was at USC."

Still laughing, though calmer than before, Eddie whipped his mouth on his sleeve, "So what was her deal?"

"Calm down man, you look fit for a heart attack," Bill scolded.

"No shit man, your face is as red as my aunt Sally's ass."

"Suck it," Eddie replied but was finally able to stifle the abhorrent giggles.

"So you were saying, 'Sara Parks'," Bill said as he offered Jack another beer.

"Ya, she'd have to take the cake as far as weird in bed goes."

"Do tell," Bill said with a grin.

"She like it in the ass or something," Eddie quipped, "like your Mom?"

"Oh boy here we go again," Bill said shaking his head as another fit of laughter overtook Eddie. "Enough with the damn Mom jokes, Ed, its getting stale, man. I wanna hear about this Sara Parks chick."

"You seemed to think it was funny a minute ago," Eddie said looking wounded.

"Funny then, old and tired now. Just can it, man."

"Sorry guys," Eddie whispered dramatically. "Well, Jackie, spill it."

Jack took a swig from his beer and lit another smoke. "I was seeing this girl on and off for the first three months of my freshman year. Eventually she transferred to another school and I eventually hooked up with her roommate."

"Smooth … that's the Sara chick?" Bill interjected.

"Ya, that was Sara. Anyway, she was an English Major and dragged me to a lot of spoken word crap and poetry readings. We'd catch a few shows, have some coffee ... you know, the normal stuff. A bit of touchy feely and a kiss or pat on the butt here and there ... nothing major. It was getting pretty old after awhile. I mean, she wasn't a goddess or anything, but she had some long-ass legs and a rack that made your eyes cross. I wanted to dip my wick something fierce, but it didn't seem like she was all too hip to the idea, dig?

"So one night, we're out grabbing something to eat, I think it was In and Out Burger or some shit, and she tells me that her phone jack keeps pulling out of the wall. She'd moved out of the dorms into some slummy little place that was basically falling apart. Anyway, she said it was making the phone cut off and was really starting to suck. I told her I'd fix it if she wanted. So she gives me one of those 'oh, you're so sweet looks' and come next Saturday I'm laying on the floor next to her bed smoothing plaster into this big-ass hole in the sheet-rock," Bill took another swallow of his beer and continued.

"So I'm laying there on the floor and I keep catching a whiff of something gross. Its only every-so-often, but it was really starting to bug me. I sniffed at my hand and then under my pits, but I couldn't find it. It was really nasty and sour. After a bit I realized it was coming from under the bed so I stuck my hand under there and hauled out a sock. Kinda on instinct I sniffed the thing, ya know? I don't know how long this chick had worn that sock, but it was the nastiest foot-stink I'd ever smelled."

"Yuah," Eddie barked, shivering for emphasis.

"Ya, no doubt ... it was some sick shit," Jack affirmed. "I then remember that Amy, that was the chick I dated before Sara, told me that Sara's feet always stunk up their dorm room and Amy always made her put her shoes out on the window sill. After sniffing that sock I finally got what Amy was on about. Amy was a complainer so I always chalked it up to that ... but I think she really had a legit gripe with this one.

"So anyway, I sniff this sock right, and I hear Sara make this little gasping sound from behind me. She'd gone to get us something to drink and I guess I didn't hear her get back. So she's standing there in the doorway to her bedroom, holding a beer in each hand, and her face is totally flushed. I knew she'd seen me sniff the sock so I thought she was embarrassed. I mean I was kind of embarrassed myself, ya know?"

"So what did you say," Bill prompted.

"I don't really remember. It was some lame sounding shit like 'sorry I thought I smelled something, duh'. So anyway, she just looks at me really weird and asks me if I still wanted a beer. So I finish up the job and knocked back a few with her. We watched a movie, don't remember what, but she sat closer to me than usual and started feeling on my leg. Her hand kept getting closer to my wad so by the end of the movie I was rock hard. I mean balls aching hard."

Both Bill and Eddie when in rapt attention, both waiting for the big bomb whatever it might be.

"So finally she feels it. Her hand kind of bumped it and I thought she was going to get freaked out or something, but instead she starts rubbing it through my jeans."

"Right on," Eddie blurts.

"So the next thing I know, she's got it out of my pants and giving me this awesome handjob. She's kissing my neck and tonguing my ear and stuff. I've got a handful of those jugs of hers and I'm totally about to cream. Then she starts whispering how much she wants me. I'm thinking, fuck ya, finally, ya know? So we start to get naked and I'm just gawking at her body ... it was totally righteous ... more than I thought it would be. Then came the freaky shit."

Bill and Eddie leaned forward, their beers forgotten much as the cards had been.

"She looks at me all sly and says, 'You can smell them if you want' I didn't know what the hell she was talking about and by that point I really didn't care. All I said was 'sure' and kept starring at those giant tits of hers. So she lays back on the couch and I start closing in for the kill. She puts her feet up and I get a whiff of those monsters. I don't think she saw, but I know I must have made a face to scare the devil. They reeked and reeked bad. I mean, she had pretty feet I guess, as far as feet go, but Christ on a pogo-stick they stunk!"

Bill and Eddie groaned and shivered in unison.

"So then I figure that she was talking about her feet. She wanted me to smell her fucking feet!"

"Oh bullshit," Eddie yelled.

"I'm serious, that's what she was talking about. She starts laying this trip on me about how much it would turn her on if I smelled her feet. How she'd always dreamed and fantasized about it. I figured then that she thought I was smelling her sock cause I liked it or something. So she says that she wants to watch me jack off and smell her feet."

"No way," Eddie barked again ... then after a pause, "Did you?" Jack looked kind of sheepish before responding.

"Well, what would you do, man. I mean, its just smelly feet, right? At least that’s what I was thinking ... and if it got the chick going, then so what. I wanted to fuck her bad, dude. If that was what it took to wind her clock, I was all over it, ya know?

"So I take my cock and started jacking off, right ... I put my face on her feet and made real sure not to breath through my nose. Her soles were all hot and damp and my eyes actually started to get a little watery. I act like I'm smelling them and liking it and kept jacking my cock just waiting for the word, ya know? Then she says all moany like "I want to hear you sniffing ... pleeease!'."

"Oh shit," Eddie giggled.

"So I gotta do it or I don't get any, right? I take this loud-ass sniff and I swear I nearly passed out. Her feet were so fucking funky I couldn't believe it. They smelled like nasty old corn chips and rotten old boots. Kinda smell makes your knees want to give out. So I keep sniffing those rank feet and jacking my cock. Its all I can do to keep it hard ya know? Then she starts moaning like a demon and I see she's frigging herself. She's getting totally hot, which makes me get crazy all over again. I start really huffing at her feet, it was hell for me, but it was really getting to her. She was getting really wild. She starting using both hands. Had a couple fingers up her ass and a few in her puss, really going to town on herself.

"Then she starts yelling 'smell my feet, daddy-o, smell my stinky feet til you cum'.

"Daddy-o?" Eddie giggled.

"Ya, daddy-o or just daddy, I’m not sure. I told you she was into all that beat poetry crap. She could have been laying the beatnik jive on me I guess … either that or some repressed incest weirdness … So anyway … I can tell she’s totally out there now, so I just slammed my cock in her pussy and started pumping away without so much as a Mother-May-I. She slammed those nasty feet back on my face and I was forced to start smelling them all over again. After a minute or so I was starting to think I wouldn't make it. I mean, those nasty things were making me totally light headed. Then she grabs my stick really hard and stuffs it right up her ass."

"You're making this up," Eddie yelled.

"I swear ... it happened just like that. One minute I'm fucking her cunt, the next she has me root deep in her ass! I'd never met a girl who’d let me do that before … and I didn't even have to beg and plead for it. Her ass was tight as you’d want and I would have blown my load right then if it wasn't for those stinky-ass feet all over my face. She would rub them back and forth and other times just rest them on my face with my nose buried in her toes. I could see bits of gunk and toejam in there and I knew there must have been a bunch smeared on my cheeks. Then she starts yelling 'cum on me, motherfucker, cum on me while you smell my stinky feet, cum all over my tits, you sonofabitch!' and shit like that. She was fucking loud about it too.

"The problem was I couldn’t cum. The smell of those feet of hers were just too damn strong and nasty. I couldn’t get past it. I mean, I was turned on as hell, but grossed out at the same time if that’s possible. Well, I guess I know its possible because that’s what was happening. My balls were aching something fierce. There wasn’t much that I wanted more than to cum right then when she was shouting at me. I thought of every nasty thing I could think of. I peered through those toes but couldn’t get a good look at her. I wanted a view of those tits to push me over the edge, dig? But every time I moved my face away to have a peek, she’d pushed them right back in place forcing me to endure that hardcore, nasty foot stench.

"After a while, I think she could tell I wasn’t gonna cum yet, so she pushes me onto my back and climbs on, my cock pops right into her asshole again and she starts bouncing. I think, finally … I’m gonna bust my nut in her ass … but no suck luck. The problem was, she grabbed one of the socks she’d just taken off and pressed it over my nose. With her other hand she covered my mouth so I couldn’t breath except through my fucking nose. She starts chanting ‘sniff sniff sniff’ with each bounce on my cock. That sock smelled ten times worse than the one I found under the bed. Her feet kinda had that really stankin’ corn chip smell, but her socks were pure feet and vinegar. Kinda like those Salt and Vinegar chips ya know? Except with nasty feet mixed in too with that same kind of musty shoe/boot smell.

"After a while of that hell, we were back up with me on top again and her feet back in my face. It was then I decided that her feet smelled way worse than the socks. She kept yelling for me to cum and I figured I had to and soon! Then I just kept repeating to myself, ‘I’m fucking this bitch in the ass, I’m fucking this bitch in the ass and she’s liking it’. Then finally I feel that bubbling feeling and I knew I was gonna cum even with those smelly feet all over my nose. I pulled out of her ass and started spitting jiz all over. It went on her tits and on her belly and all over her face. I came hard and long. I felt like damn Peter North. No shit.

"After I came I got as far away from those feet as I could. I could take it since we were getting it on, but as soon as I came I was set to hurl if I had to take one more sniff. She just lay there on the couch with this little smile on her face rubbing the cum around on her stomach. Then the bitch says ‘so were they nice and stinky?’ What the hell was I suppose to say? I just said ‘Ya they really reeked’. She just laughed and kept on smiling at me. Then you know the most fucked up thing?"

"What?" Eddie and Bill said almost in unison.

"She knew I wasn’t into smelling those nasty feet from the get go. Ya, no shit, man. It was all a bunch of crap … she was fucking with me the whole time. I mean, she was telling the truth that it got her off … but what she was really getting off on was the fact that I had to smell her stinky feet in order to get some!"

"How the hell did you find that out?" Bill asked.

"Cause she fucking told me, that’s how. Right then, with my cum still drying on her face. She knew I hated every minute of it … and that’s what turned her on the most. Hearing me sniffing away at her nasty feet. She got me all hot and ready cause she knew I would do just about anything to fuck. She’d been playing me since the beginning. My ex had told her how horny I get and she brewed the whole thing up back then. She also said that she got turned on by stinking out Amy when they were roommates."

"Christ man, what did you do then?" Eddie interrupted.

"What do you think I did … I called her a fucking lame-ass cunt and started getting dressed. She just lay there on the couch, naked, cum drenched and laughing at me. Then she starts sniffing at her own feet and frigging herself again. Asks me if I wanted another go if you can believe it! I got out of there as fast as I could. Man …." Jack took a deep breath and a long drink of his beer. Her put the empty aside and reached for another one.

"So is that it," Eddie asked breathlessly.

"Shit man," Bill said incredulously, "isn’t that enough?"

"Actual that’s not it," Jack murmured. "She had me really fucked up after that. That night I got home I scrubbed my face like a sonofabitch. I couldn’t get that reek from her feet off my skin. So I’m laying there in the dark trying to go to sleep and all I can smell is her nasty feet. Then the worse part is I start getting hard again. That stink just reminded me off her tits and those legs and what it felt like to be fucking her tight little asshole. Next thing I know is I’m jacking off. For the next year or so, every chick I fucked who’s feet had even the slightest smell, I’d get all crazy on them and fuck the shit out of em … rough like. Then I’d cum like crazy like I did that night with Sara. Now isn’t that fucked up. Everytime I start dating a chick I’d catch myself wondering if they had stinky feet."

There was a long pause. Breaking the uncomfortable silence, Bill said almost apologetically, "Well, I guess she really did a number on you, man."

"Yep," was Jack’s only comment.

"So what happened to her … Sara I mean?" Eddie felt he had to know for some reason.

"What happened to her?" Jack seemed reluctant to answer. "Well … after a year or so, I went and gave her a call again … hooked back up for a time."

"You what?" Eddie said in total amazement.

"Ya … we fucked on and off for the last two years I was at USC. Her feet seemed to get more foul each time. She made me do the weirdest shit, but in the end I always came like crazy. No bitch has ever made me cum like her. She even fucked me in the ass while jacking me off once, of course I had to smell her crusty old socks while she did it."

"Awww … you fucking queer!" Eddie shouted.

"Shut up dude," Bill snapped. "So, Jack … are you still into the whole stink feet thing … I mean … well?"

Jack didn’t answer, he just took another swig of beer and lit another smoke. "I told mine … now its somebody else’s turn …"

The End


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